Why Smart Leaders Fail: The Missing Link of Emotional Maturity
- Andrew Dutton
- Jan 12
- 3 min read
Unpacking the 4 Habits of "R.A.R.E." Leadership
We have all seen it happen. A leader who is strategically brilliant, highly experienced, and intellectually sharp suddenly falls apart under pressure. Maybe they snap at a junior employee during a crisis. Maybe they shut down and go silent when a project fails. Maybe they foster a culture of fear to get results.
Why do smart leaders make such poor relational choices?
I've been re-reading the book Rare Leadership by Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, it the book they sum up that the answer isn’t a lack of knowledge. It’s a lack of emotional maturity. Below I've share some highlights of the 4 habits. I hope you find this helpful.
The Contrast - In the leadership world, we often obsess over "Command and Control" skills—vision, strategy, and execution. But Warner and Wilder argue that your Relational Capacity—your neurological ability to handle the needs of others while managing your own emotions—is the true ceiling of your leadership.
The authors propose a framework called R.A.R.E. Leadership. It outlines four habits that separate mature, healthy leaders from those who simply hold a title.
Here is what R.A.R.E. looks like in practice, and how you can assess your own maturity level.
1. R – Remain Relational
The Core Concept: The relationship is bigger than the problem.
When human beings feel threatened, our brains naturally toggle into "Enemy Mode." In this state, we view the people around us as obstacles to be removed or problems to be fixed. A mature leader fights this biological urge. They keep their relational circuits "on," even during a conflict.
The Immature Leader: Shuts down eye contact, uses a harsh tone, and cares more about being "right" than staying connected.
The R.A.R.E. Leader: Can deliver difficult feedback or bad news while communicating, "I am on your side. We are in this together."
2. A – Act Like Yourself
The Core Concept: Your character is constant, not reactive.
Have you ever worked for a "Chameleon Leader"? They are kind when things are going well, but aggressive when they are stressed. You never know which version of them is walking through the door.
True maturity is the ability to act according to your own values, regardless of the environment. If your team is chaotic, you remain peaceful. If a client is hostile, you remain kind. You do not let other people dictate your identity.
The Immature Leader: Mirrors the emotions of the room. If you are angry, they get angry.
The R.A.R.E. Leader: Brings their own weather. They provide a stabilizing presence that anchors the team.
3. R – Return to Joy
The Core Concept: How fast is your recovery time?
In this model, "Joy" doesn't mean being happy all the time. It is defined as the feeling that "It is good to be here together."
Every leader will get upset, anxious, or frustrated. That is human. Maturity is measured by how quickly you can process those negative emotions and return to a state of relational connection. Does it take you three days to get over a disagreement, or three minutes?
The Immature Leader: Stews in resentment, holds grudges, or spreads anxiety to the whole team for days after a setback.
The R.A.R.E. Leader: Repairs relationships quickly. They apologize, reset, and help the team get back to a place of psychological safety.
4. E – Endure Hardship
The Core Concept: Suffering for the good of the group.
This is the hallmark of "Parent" and "Elder" level maturity. Leadership is hard. It involves taking the blame, working through exhaustion, and dealing with complex people. Immature leaders try to escape hardship (often by blaming others). Mature leaders endure it because they know it is necessary for the team's growth.
The Immature Leader: Plays the victim. "Why does this always happen to me? Nobody appreciates how hard I work."
The R.A.R.E. Leader: Absorbs the shock. They protect their team from toxicity and do the hard work without becoming bitter.
The Bottom Line
You cannot lead someone to a place you haven’t been. If you want a team that is resilient, collaborative, and joyful, you must build the "muscle" to support those traits in yourself first.
Take a look at the four habits again. Which one is currently your "weakest link" under stress?
Enjoy
Andrew
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